We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
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