I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Randomize
