dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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