Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
Randomize
