Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
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