Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Randomize
