today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
I did not marry a roomba.
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