Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Why must guys tell girls who are a little bigger that "they like a girl with meat on her bones?" Yeah needless to say he went home alone
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize
