I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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