i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
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