i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Randomize