i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Randomize
