I swear she didn't look like that last week.
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Randomize
