We need to start having sex underwater more often.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Randomize
