dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
Randomize
