I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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