i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
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