her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
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