so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
Randomize
