if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
