Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
