never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
