You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
