I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
I love you.
Bad choice
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
