it's too hot outside to masturbate.
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
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