I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize