I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Randomize
