can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
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