He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
Randomize
