I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize