Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
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