Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Randomize
