sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter.
we had.
well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Randomize