Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
How many fucks given?
0.12846
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
Randomize
