I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
