my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
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