I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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