I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
