so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
Randomize
