mondays should just be called national damage control day
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
Randomize
