I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
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