I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
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