I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
