he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
