i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
