And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
Randomize