Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Randomize