I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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