so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Randomize
