I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Randomize
