I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
