As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
