He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Randomize
