I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
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