24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
areolas are like halos for boobs.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
