who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
You need Xanax blowdarts
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
