i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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