I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
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