bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
Randomize
