I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
