awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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